© 2008 Chuck Klein


(Published in THE NEWS DEMOCRAT,Georgetown, OH 30 Mar 08)


As evidenced by the ratio of men in high positions to women with like status who do not fail, embarrass themselves or otherwise screw up, there should be no question that the fairer sex are more intelligent than men. However, there is one classification in which we are superior: The con.

THE BEST OF CHUCK KLEINBecause women are basically honest they sincerely believe everyone else is. Using this to our advantage we have been able to convince them of some of the most outlandish scenarios, "facts" and schemes. Because of our self-claimed, inherent, mechanical abilities we have convinced them that we know how cars work, where electricity, steel and bricks come from (as if this is important). Thus, if we wanted to, we could fix the washer/car/screen door.

Men are always promoting this faux superiority - not necessarily for immediate gains, but for future times when we are backed into a corner or seemingly caught in a lie. For instance, if a wife were to complain about her washing machine's automatic "cool down" feature not working, requiring that she manually move the control to "cool down," a man's typical response might be:

1) "Sure, I can fix it, but it will have to wait until I can afford to purchase a micrometer (or some other tool he needs for his work shop that also might be totally unrelated to the repairing of washers). Of course, if you really need it fixed, perhaps you could forgo your next hair coloring/cut/fluff-up (or other such non-essential and money wasting procedure) and I'll go right out and buy the tool and fix it - tomorrow."

2) "It can't be fixed and we can't afford a new one (notice I said 'it' can't be fixed. A man never admits 'he' can't fix it).I looked at it the other day while you were bathing/shopping/primping and could see that the cam-follower (or any other technically sounding term) is worn out.

Circa 1957 front 2ndIf these simple explanations have failed to convince her, the guilt trip, in and of itself, or mixed with the above would surely follow: "Please! I have provided you with a washing machine that only requires that you twist a small knob in order for it to function. You don't have to pound the clothes on a rock in the river or scrub the clothes on a board like my mother did." When these maneuvers have become shop-worn, the stall tactic is best employed:

1) "Sugar, I've already ordered the parts, so please be a little more patient." This line can be followed up monthly with: "There's a strike/fire/vacation at the parts plant...."

2) "I'm not fixing it because - and I really wanted this to be a surprise - I am expecting this major contract/sale/order/invention any day and I was going to buy you a new house with all new appliances in it."

The Way it WasWomen have been convinced (conned) they need a man in their life if for no other reason than to protect them from the "bogeyman." This protection seems so important they have accepted a beer-swilling, cartoon/sports-watching bozo as their protector. They've been led to believe that his couch potato will, when the chips are down, rise up and protect them from robbers in the night. The chances of a burglar/rapist (other than their own husband) breaking into an occupied home is less than being struck by lightning.

The fact that we have been able to perpetuate this scam - as well as convincing them guns are too dangerous for them to use - is conclusive proof of our superiority (in lying, cheating and conning). The fact that we can lie, cheat and perpetuate confidence schemes better than our gender counterpart is shown conclusively by the number of men outnumbering women in our wait, scratch that, let me work on this a little more.